i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
