After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize