I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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