I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
