No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
