you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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