I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
