im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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