I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
