you traded sex for a burrito?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
