I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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