This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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