She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize