i jhust puked up my retainher.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Randomize