he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
