Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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