I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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