this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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