The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
