It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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