I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
