why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
