I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
