What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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