I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize