So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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