I just made out with a guy for $7.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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