Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
