he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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