1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
