true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
