Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
