Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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