Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
