Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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