"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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