Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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