it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
