My first STD was from a foam party
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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