I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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