i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
