i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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