So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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