I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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