The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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