you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
