drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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