I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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