just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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