If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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