My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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