bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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