plz talk dirty to me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
