I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
