Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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