Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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