I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
