am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Randomize
