Swine flu is the new snow day.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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