Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
