My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize