Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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