went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
