Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
