when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
