i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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